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Original: 4/26/2006 8:46 PM
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Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Aetas

 
Currently Listening
Stravinsky: The Firebird / Jeu de cartes
see related
Listening to: The Firebird Suite (I forgot my dad had a CD of it...)

Well, that went well. I wrote out a whole giant post and it got deleted because xanga said I wasn't signed in. Whatever. *sighs*

I must apologize once more for not posting in a very long time. Life has been busy, to say the least. I'm not going to promise I'll start doing more here like I have in the past, though, because I know I'd just be kidding myself, and that wouldn't be fair to the few people who read this...So. Onto the actual blog.

Life has been a rollercoaster lately; you know, up and down. I've found that ever since we moved here to...well...Ever since we moved here, I've found that I get depressed much more easily. I don't know what it is...Perhaps it's the fact that I don't really like it here, mostly because of the weather and lack of greenery, or perhaps it's the new house, or school, or friends...I don't know. Whatever it is, I just find myself getting sad much more often.

I've been dealing with a ton of problems lately...Eh...*stops for a moment* A good part of the Suite, hold on...This piece inspires in me so much emotion, just as The Rite of Spring...I love Stravinsky...Alright. Back to the blog. So, yeah. Problems. Most of them are personal...

1. My low self-esteem, rather, my non-existant self-esteem. I don't much like myself sometimes, and the rest of the time I still have low confidence and self-esteem.
2. My parents' obsession with my weight. Seriously, do they think putting me on a diet pill helps me to think better of myself? I know they love me, but honestly...
3. My lack of motivation. I know I should get active, but I can't find it in myself to do so...
4. Whether or not I should go to summer school at a university or save my summer.
5. Controlling my anger when it happens to get loose.
6. Pessimism. I am one of the greatest pessimists I know.

I can't remember what else I put in the deleted post...Oh well...

Hum...I feel I may have two personality disorders that effect those problems...Avoidant Personality Disorder and Dependent Personality Disorder, though I am in no way clingy...I won't go to the lengths of saying I do have those two disorders, because I don't know, but I feel I do...I'd like to see a therapist or something to get a real diagnosis, but I'm afraid to ask my parents, so I don't know what to do...

There's also the matter of my friends here...They're just different. Now, naturally because I moved they're different, but it isn't exactly that I'm talking about. Back at my old house I actually admired my friends. I looked up to them. But here...here it would seem my friends are just amusing people I know. That must seem cruel...I don't know how else to phrase it. I don't mean to make it sound cruel...you all must know what I mean? They just aren't of the quality of my old friends.

How depressing...

Eh, let's try and move away from that. Life isn't without its joys. Even though my friends here aren't the same as my old ones, they're still cool...And all pretty much crazy...Shayla, Candi...um... .__. Don't tell me those are all the friends I have...Hrm...Shayla, Candi, Alex, Keith, Kevin, Peter, Amy, Sean, Brianna...Yeah...I suppose I have a good amount of friends. I have a 21 person fanclub...that counts for something. Shayla is my devout worshiper, and also the most innocent girl I know. She was the first person I made an effort to communicate with, after I saw her in religion class with a manga...She was also my first real friend. As for Candi, she's my "baker", and also completely insane. Which is awesome. I consider her my best friend here. We make awesome funny comics about such things as Fuzzwiggles...Hee...Fuzzwiggle! And we yell random things in chapel, such as..."Soy de Fargo!" "Djibooti Power!" "FUZZWIGGLE!" You get the picture. Candi is one of the only people to be able to make me burst into hysterical laughter.

Awww, Philharmonic season is over...But my audition is coming up May 20th, yay! I love Philharmonic...It's such an honor to play in it! Hopefully we'll get such pieces as The Rite of Spring and Night on Bald Mountain again...at least pieces as good as them. Hopefully we'll get a good new conductor. Hopefully I'll do well on my audition. Here's to hoping. ^.^

Hmmm...What else...I've been drawing a lot. I recently finished a very macabre piece...Most of my friends look at it and say, "What the hell?" But I like it. It's very symbolic, and has the quality of distortion I was aiming for. I also write...Not as much prose as I used to, but poetry. People say I'm very good at it, that I should try to publish...That makes me happy. I do take pride in my poetry skill...Though I might not show it. The compliments I get are so nice...Thank you, everyone.

Something I forgot to add that I'd put in the original post. The best thing, rather, person in my life right now is Erick. *smiles* Erick, you know how I feel. If only we could fast forward time a little. I would thank you for everything you've done, but you've told me before there's no need to thank you, so...I leave it at that. You know how I feel.

I don't know what else to say. If I put anything else in the deleted post, I've forgotten it. I could tell you some upcoming events...I'm going to be starting golf lessons...*shrug* That's about it?

Yep, that's it. If I remember anything else I'll edit this later.

Dear Lord, please help me to overcome the struggles and troubles of my life right now. If it be your will, grant me a measure of your strength and will to stand strong. Please guide me and help me to make choices pleasing to you. All these things and what I leave in my heart, I lift up to you. In your most holy son's name I pray. Amen.
 Posted 4/26/2006 8:46 PM - 3 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment

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Visit SodapopAllerdyce's Xanga Site!

hey alexia,

wow! you're back. glory, it's been ages! so sorry to hear you've been down. it's always hard to move. man, when i go to another college and move away from home, it's going to be so hard! definitely going to be bummed. i can tell you that much! and i don't think a diet pill is the answer and sometimes can mess up your health and not to improve that matter, i saw this episode of house, md where this girl took diet pills and made her skin go whacky or something like that. anyways, sometimes being more productive and talking about issues helps. i know that i'm lazy and have lows too, but i try at times. doesn't always work. but my bouts of lows last for so few hours. haven't gotten a long one in sometime. which is good in my terms! well, hope to be hearing from you soon and more often perhapes! and gosh i'm hungry! when is dinner?! *argh* lmao XD well, continue to have a great week!

ttyl,

sodapop \mm/

Posted 5/3/2006 6:49 PM by SodapopAllerdyce - reply


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